While talking with a 40-year-old woman who makes enormous contributions to her community I learned that she was reluctant to talk about what she does to more than a few people at a time. She didn’t want to call attention to herself.

When I asked what inspired her to do one of her many successful projects — collecting used medical equipment and shipping it to a third world country — I learned that it wasn’t just about the medical equipment. Her motivation was keeping things out of landfills and protecting the planet. Her inspiration had come from hearing somebody else describe a project that also kept other large objects out of landfills.

As we talked she realized how talking about what she does (and has done) might encourage somebody else to contribute as well.

She also realized how she had been rebelling about writing about her contributions simply because someone else ordered her to. Now she sees the bigger purpose of letting herself be known.

Next time we met she described calling attention to herself in a large organization by contributing a clarifying restatement of that organization's project. She's now excited about becoming a role model for others.

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.

When you take risks and operate with integrity; when you consider other people's needs as well as your own; when you think about long term situations instead of short-term gains; and when you really tell the truth; you can achieve amazing results.

Learning to do this well requires skill and practice. This is especially true when you need information in a confusing situation. It's especially true when you're in a situation where a misstep can cause real problems.

The following steps will help you practice the skills you need to achieve results and gain respect in the workplace.

1. Before you ask anything, gather as much information as you can about a situation by careful observation.

* Listen to the topics that are discussed
* Notice topics that are not discussed.
* Pay attention to nonverbal clues-posture, tone of voice
* Notice relative power positions of the people present in the situation-even furniture placement and seating arrangements.

2. Think about what additional information you need to better understand the situation. Look for the missing pieces.

3. Use your intuition. What is your hunch or guess about what is going on? What do you wish you knew?

4. Ask questions only when you are truly unsure of what the answers will be.

5. Listen carefully to the answers that are presented to you. Give it your full attention.

Ask clarifying questions only if you cannot understand the answer you are hearing. Wait until the answer is complete before you comment on it.

Treat everyone with respect – avoid being condescending in any way.

6. Never ask a question when you are already sure what the answer is. The only reason to do this is to catch someone else doing something wrong. If you do this, others will sense it and feel resentful or put down, even if you think you are being subtle.

7. Be willing to be vulnerable. Take responsibility for your own mistakes or lack of information. In this situation, saving face (your own) is not nearly as important as helping others save face!

8. If you feel attacked or challenged by the answer to one of your questions,
do not defend yourself. Respond by stating your understanding of what was said. Ask if your understanding is accurate.

9. Keep asking questions until you are sure you understand what you need to know about the situation, and as long as others are willing to respond to you.

10. Thank everyone who is present.

 
Phil,
 
One of the lessons is "Sometimes it Makes Sense Not To Tell the Truth" (not sure of the exact title.) Others are about people faced with dilemmas who do their best.
 
I try to provide tools to help people make hard decisions when faced with difficult challenges. I don't know anyone who can handle complete integrity. We are all human, ­ including me.
 
From your note, I think you would find The Integrity Course valuable. It is guaranteed, so if it doesn't meet your needs let us know and we will refund your money.
 
Warmly,
 
Laurie

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.

Most individuals honestly believe that they operate with high integrity and demonstrate ethical behavior with others in the workplace. The problem is that people often don’t have the same definition of what constitutes ethical behavior. That’s why some business and professional organizations create codes of ethical conduct.

In 10 years of service on the ethics committee of an international professional organization I learned that ethical errors were usually made by people who decided, without consulting others, that there were good reasons to violate the ethical principles they had agreed to abide by.

Several years ago while serving on a committee of the Colorado Ethics In Business Alliance, I helped develop these seven signs of an ethical business.

If you don’t have an explicit professional ethics code that you use for guidance, I invite you to measure your business behavior by these standards. If ethical behavior matters to you – and I hope it does — see how you measure up.

1. Teach employees how to behave ethically by demonstrating, recognizing and rewarding ethical behavior.
2. Tell the truth. Fully reveal relevant information to stakeholders and authorities.
3. Consider the interests of everyone who will be affected by their business decisions.
4. Treat all individuals and groups with dignity and respect.
5. Maintain honest and complete communication with employees, customers and the community.
6. Avoid conflicts of interest.
7. Demonstrate, encourage and support active involvement in their communities.

(For more information about the Colorado Ethics in Business Alliance visit http://www.cobusethics.org )

Be cautious when you want to make choices that differ from any ethical standards you have agreed to accept. Check your thinking by imagining how you would feel if your choices were reported in a national newspaper. Better yet, consult an advisor you respect before taking action.

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

He Lied To Me

Being committed to communicate with integrity provides some protection against being lied to. It often leads me to question statements that others politely accept. However nothing I know of protects me from a liar who looks and sounds as if she is telling the truth.

I wrote this some time ago, right after I was lied to again. Since I’ve made a commitment to making the 2^nd decade of the 21^st Century the Decade of Communicating with Integrity, I’ve decided to republish it.

It's frustrating, isn't it? You make an agreement in good faith, it's clearly understood by both sides (in this case all three people involved), and then one person simply refuses to keep the agreement.

In this case I made an agreement to coach an employee of a medium sized business. When a third party is paying the bill, it's my policy to sit down with all parties involved, and spell out all our commitments.

The meeting with the business owner and the employee seemed straightforward enough. Goals were identified and a timeline was set to have four coaching sessions and then to check back with the business owner. He seemed quite enthusiastic about the probability of salvaging his relationship with a valued employee.

In my first session with the employee she expressed her doubts about the sincerity of the business owner. She complained about his erratic behavior and the effect it was having on her and her fellow employees. Nevertheless, we continued with our agenda and appeared to make some real progress.

Two days after our first session the employee called back to cancel the other sessions. Her employer had just told her that he decided she wasn't worth it after all. He said that if she wanted coaching she would have to pay for it for herself. I affirmed the employee’s perception about her boss's erratic behavior and wished her well.

Then I wandered off shaking my head. In over 30 years of working with people I am still completely unable to recognize some kinds of lies. I certainly confront people when I recognize inconsistencies — and I am very perceptive. I basically trust people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And sometimes I get fooled.

When I do, I do my best to acknowledge the problem, admit my own fallibility and move on as long as I do not have an ongoing relationship with the person who lied to me.

If I must continue to do business with the person who’s lied, I consider it very important to discuss the situation. Sometimes that discussion results in clarification of the expectations we have with each other. At other times it involves dissolving the business relationship at the earliest possible opportunity.

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

Yvonne, an executive, felt paralyzed by her boss' new rules that required her to get approval for even the smallest expenditures. Yvonne was also representing her company in merger negotiations. The potential partner considered her boss expendable, and asked her to stick it out until their process is complete. The negotiations were going slowly. She wondered whether to get out or stay on, hoping things would change. 

Marianne's new boss did not trust her. All her routine requests for staffing changes were returned with demands for additional irrelevant information. For several months Marianne complied gracefully with all requests. She finally realized that other work was suffering as she tried to comply with these demands, and she was still not getting the staffing she needed. Marianne considered resigning, but was only months away from being vested in her pension fund. 

With the agreement of the executive committee, Louise, vice president of human resources, assured her branch managers that remarks they made during a managers' staff development retreat would be kept confidential.

After the event, she learned that two executives who disliked the resulting report were pressuring managers for details of the meeting. When she protested during a subsequent executive committee meeting, the two executives ridiculed her concerns. 

Decisions about whether to stay in difficult business or personal relationships can feel excruciatingly difficult to resolve. 

Balancing potential losses against maintaining dignity and financial stability are some of the most common issues faced by my clients. There are no simple answers, but following the process they used to make their decisions may help you through a similar situation. 

Each first clarified the outcome she most desired. Yvonne wanted stimulating work and recognition of her talents. Marianne wanted to stay with her company at least until her pension was vested. Louise wanted to be treated with dignity. 

Each decided to do everything possible to change her own situation. As coach, I helped them choose appropriate strategies to communicate their  dissatisfactions. 

• Yvonne asked her boss (the company president) to change the procedures

• Marianne decided that even if her new boss tried to fire her, her pension would be vested by the time that could take place, so she politely refused further demands to stop her other work to produce additional reports. 

• Louise spoke privately to each member of the executive committee about treating her and all members of the company with dignity. 

They all evaluated the results of their actions. 

• The president of Yvonne's firm changed the subject when she talked to him. 

• Marianne's boss became so frustrated and she made herself look bad to her own boss. She was given orders to treat Marianne differently. 

• Louise was told by the company president that she should adjust her values to match the values of the other executives. 

They made decisions by balancing all of these elements. 

• Yvonne developed an outside consulting practice while waiting to see if the takeover would happen. She was prepared to resign and eventually did. 

• Marianne developed a reasonably respectful working relationship with her boss. 

• Louise resigned and eventually found a new opportunity. 

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

I was taught to respect others and above all to be polite. One of the things I was told over and over again was, "If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all."

This worked out fine as long as things were going well and the people around me followed the same rules that I did. The problem is I didn’t know what to do when things went wrong. I felt especially stymied if saying something about a problem might be impolite or cause someone else embarrassment.

So most of the time I kept doing the best that I could and kept my mouth shut even about things that I thought were serious problems. Then when I finally would speak up I sort of stammered and beat around the bush and managed to get myself ignored.

And I couldn’t understand what was going on.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

You probably know I’m not that way anymore. But for years I’ve seen my clients and readers struggle with the same dilemmas. My struggle has been to find ways to help my friends learn what I’ve learned along the way.

What I’ve learned has made a huge difference in my life and I think it will in yours too — and I think I’ve found a way to share it with you. Watch for more information in a few days.

Integrity is about seeking that wholeness. It is about conversations that get through the surface junk and get to what is really important when we are together.

Integrity is about facing each other and listening to each other and really hearing each other and taking the actions we know are necessary.

Integrity is the bedrock on which trust is built.

Integrity is the hidden key to your success!

If you enjoyed this blog  post, The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.