Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you’re a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn’t arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I’m not quite sure I understand why. I think it’s something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I’m sorry it’s so frustrating for you either done everything right and it’s still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I’d be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you’ve almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who’s lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that’s needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you’ll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.
 

First let me be clear that I didn’t know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.

I didn’t know that LinkedIn doesn’t allow polls and I didn’t know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.

I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.

Here’s the question:

"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"

I’ve written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."

Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.

Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.

Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.

So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"

If you would like a copy of the special report, you can access it at http://www.LaurieWeiss.com

Many thanks to all of you who helped me clarify my thinking and providing new options.

• That his client also offer $1000 of her services free to two of her clients who are facing financial difficulties.
• That her clients who take advantage of her free services also pay it forward by each offering two people $1000 of their services free.
• That each person who benefits agrees to pass on the favor to two additional recipients.

Bill is making a bet that offering her free services will do at least two things. One, it will energize his client and affirm her self worth in the midst of her financial struggles. Two, that this will make her more attractive and her business will increase and she will be able to resume paying him his regular fees. Bill is calling this a reverse Ponzi scheme. He’s willing to gamble that the outcome will be positive. I am, too. I’m willing to try this scheme myself to see what happens. Are you?

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.  

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956.

Say what you feel.

Say what you mean.

Say it quickly — take your time.

Say it right or something awful will surely happen.

Say it wrong and watch out.

Say it anyway — what can they really do?

Just say it, spit it out even if it chokes you.

Say it now, not later — later may be too late.

Say it softly — maybe no one will notice.

Say it. Declare yourself now! Today!

Let the drums roll if they will, or let it fall softly as a whisper in the moonlight.

Say it carefully — think it through — you never know what they’ll think of you.

Oh, what the hell! Just say it now!

Is anyone listening?

I had the pleasure of participating in Anne Randolph’’s Soup Kitchen Writing workshop for members of the Colorado Independent Publishers Association. I did a writing exercise and much to my surprise, these words appeared.

The next day I realized that I had written a description of what most of us go through before daring to say IT — — before daring to have the important conversation that will make a difference.

If you have this conversation in your own mind before you have an important conversation with someone else, you’ll want to check out these free minicourses: Integrity: Use It or Lose It How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships 

A week later, during her next coaching call, Linda reported that she had managed to cut 20 hours off her workweek, and was feeling almost human again.

The work was getting done and she was ready to start thinking about changing other aspects of her life to bring it into a better balance. She decided to start on some of the self-assessment and personal development programs I had suggested that she consider using. I recommended that Linda choose only one program to focus on instead of trying to do them all.

 If you enjoyed this article, The Integrity Course will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.