written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

He Lied To Me

Being committed to communicate with integrity provides some protection against being lied to. It often leads me to question statements that others politely accept. However nothing I know of protects me from a liar who looks and sounds as if she is telling the truth.

I wrote this some time ago, right after I was lied to again. Since I’ve made a commitment to making the 2^nd decade of the 21^st Century the Decade of Communicating with Integrity, I’ve decided to republish it.

It's frustrating, isn't it? You make an agreement in good faith, it's clearly understood by both sides (in this case all three people involved), and then one person simply refuses to keep the agreement.

In this case I made an agreement to coach an employee of a medium sized business. When a third party is paying the bill, it's my policy to sit down with all parties involved, and spell out all our commitments.

The meeting with the business owner and the employee seemed straightforward enough. Goals were identified and a timeline was set to have four coaching sessions and then to check back with the business owner. He seemed quite enthusiastic about the probability of salvaging his relationship with a valued employee.

In my first session with the employee she expressed her doubts about the sincerity of the business owner. She complained about his erratic behavior and the effect it was having on her and her fellow employees. Nevertheless, we continued with our agenda and appeared to make some real progress.

Two days after our first session the employee called back to cancel the other sessions. Her employer had just told her that he decided she wasn't worth it after all. He said that if she wanted coaching she would have to pay for it for herself. I affirmed the employee’s perception about her boss's erratic behavior and wished her well.

Then I wandered off shaking my head. In over 30 years of working with people I am still completely unable to recognize some kinds of lies. I certainly confront people when I recognize inconsistencies — and I am very perceptive. I basically trust people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And sometimes I get fooled.

When I do, I do my best to acknowledge the problem, admit my own fallibility and move on as long as I do not have an ongoing relationship with the person who lied to me.

If I must continue to do business with the person who’s lied, I consider it very important to discuss the situation. Sometimes that discussion results in clarification of the expectations we have with each other. At other times it involves dissolving the business relationship at the earliest possible opportunity.

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Integrity, Telling the Truth

These three executive women all found themselves in situations they considered untenable. In order to decide what to do they each had to examine their most significant priorities. 

Yvonne, an executive, felt paralyzed by her boss' new rules that required her to get approval for even the smallest expenditures. Yvonne was also representing her company in merger negotiations. The potential partner considered her boss expendable, and asked her to stick it out until their process is complete. The negotiations were going slowly. She wondered whether to get out or stay on, hoping things would change. 

Marianne's new boss did not trust her. All her routine requests for staffing changes were returned with demands for additional irrelevant information. For several months Marianne complied gracefully with all requests. She finally realized that other work was suffering as she tried to comply with these demands, and she was still not getting the staffing she needed. Marianne considered resigning, but was only months away from being vested in her pension fund. 

With the agreement of the executive committee, Louise, vice president of human resources, assured her branch managers that remarks they made during a managers' staff development retreat would be kept confidential.

After the event, she learned that two executives who disliked the resulting report were pressuring managers for details of the meeting. When she protested during a subsequent executive committee meeting, the two executives ridiculed her concerns. 

Decisions about whether to stay in difficult business or personal relationships can feel excruciatingly difficult to resolve. 

Balancing potential losses against maintaining dignity and financial stability are some of the most common issues faced by my clients. There are no simple answers, but following the process they used to make their decisions may help you through a similar situation. 

Each first clarified the outcome she most desired. Yvonne wanted stimulating work and recognition of her talents. Marianne wanted to stay with her company at least until her pension was vested. Louise wanted to be treated with dignity. 

Each decided to do everything possible to change her own situation. As coach, I helped them choose appropriate strategies to communicate their  dissatisfactions. 

• Yvonne asked her boss (the company president) to change the procedures

• Marianne decided that even if her new boss tried to fire her, her pension would be vested by the time that could take place, so she politely refused further demands to stop her other work to produce additional reports. 

• Louise spoke privately to each member of the executive committee about treating her and all members of the company with dignity. 

They all evaluated the results of their actions. 

• The president of Yvonne's firm changed the subject when she talked to him. 

• Marianne's boss became so frustrated and she made herself look bad to her own boss. She was given orders to treat Marianne differently. 

• Louise was told by the company president that she should adjust her values to match the values of the other executives. 

They made decisions by balancing all of these elements. 

• Yvonne developed an outside consulting practice while waiting to see if the takeover would happen. She was prepared to resign and eventually did. 

• Marianne developed a reasonably respectful working relationship with her boss. 

• Louise resigned and eventually found a new opportunity. 

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Integrity, Leadership, Making Decisions, Managing Conflict, Telling the Truth

Are you a lot like me? I was raised with a very strong moral compass. I remember always trying very hard to do the best I could, and to please my parents, my teachers and everyone else in authority.

I was taught to respect others and above all to be polite. One of the things I was told over and over again was, "If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all."

This worked out fine as long as things were going well and the people around me followed the same rules that I did. The problem is I didn’t know what to do when things went wrong. I felt especially stymied if saying something about a problem might be impolite or cause someone else embarrassment.

So most of the time I kept doing the best that I could and kept my mouth shut even about things that I thought were serious problems. Then when I finally would speak up I sort of stammered and beat around the bush and managed to get myself ignored.

And I couldn’t understand what was going on.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

You probably know I’m not that way anymore. But for years I’ve seen my clients and readers struggle with the same dilemmas. My struggle has been to find ways to help my friends learn what I’ve learned along the way.

What I’ve learned has made a huge difference in my life and I think it will in yours too — and I think I’ve found a way to share it with you. Watch for more information in a few days.

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Integrity, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Telling the Truth

You may hate confrontation. Someone raising his or her voice may make you want to run and hide. And it certainly seems safer to freeze into nothing and wait till the situation burns itself out. But sometimes that’s just not an option. So here’s the plan you can prepare in advance so you’ll know step by step what to do to be able to salvage most situations — and you may even come out looking like a hero.

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you’re a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn’t arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I’m not quite sure I understand why. I think it’s something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I’m sorry it’s so frustrating for you either done everything right and it’s still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I’d be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you’ve almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who’s lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that’s needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you’ll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.
 

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Managing Fear, Self-Management

 On July 7 I posted a question on LinkedIn. Several of the people who responded asked to be updated about what happened next.

First let me be clear that I didn’t know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.

I didn’t know that LinkedIn doesn’t allow polls and I didn’t know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.

I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.

Here’s the question:

"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"

I’ve written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."

Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.

Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.

Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.

So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"

If you would like a copy of the special report, you can access it at http://www.LaurieWeiss.com

Many thanks to all of you who helped me clarify my thinking and providing new options.

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Managing Fear, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

Learn from your experience. Notice what works, and what usually receives a negative reaction from your co-worker(s).  Do what works and stop doing what does not work. If doing what you do with others gets you what you want, that’s great. If you find yourself blaming others because they’re not responding the way you want them to, start paying attention.  You can improve what happens by changing what you do.

• Are you angry and grouchy because a coworker is grouchy? If you say something nice to her you might be surprised at what different behavior shows up.
• Does your boss ask you to redo the memos you send? Jim’s boss kept telling him to shorten his memos. Jim told narrative stories in his memos.  When Jim started submitting memos with bullet points, he stopped getting them back.
• Are you tired of staying late because other people are inconsiderate? Helen struggled to complete every assignment that was given to her at 4:45 in the afternoon. Things changed completely when she told her boss that she would complete them the next day.

Each one of these people changed their behavior and started getting different results. You can, too. Here’s how:

• Notice what you’ve been complaining about. (Even if you’re just thinking it and not saying anything at all.)
• Analyze what happens immediately before the response that you don’t like. Pay special attention to your own behavior.
• See if happens consistently.  Does your boss return all memos for correction, or just yours?  Does he change all of your memos or only some of them?  Is the receptionist grouchy to everyone, or just to you?  Paying attention will help you decide what to do next.

• Do something different.

Remember one definition of insanity is doing what you’ve always done and expecting different results.   

Free Mini-Course: Integrity — Use It or Lose It!

Free Mini-Course: Secrets for Turning Difficult Conversations into Amazing Opportunities for Cooperation and Success

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Management

Are you struggling to contain costs in this recessionary economy? If you’re having a hard time withdrawing perks from hard-working employees, because you’re afraid of the effect on morale, this executive’s strategy may work for you.

James could see that the generosity his 200-member accounting firm had shown their partners and managers — when times were good — simply had to change.

The firm could no longer support the expensive valet parking the partners blithely added to their expense reports or the extra charges for breakfast that showed up on their hotel bills. Especially when James knew personally that the hotel in question included a fine breakfast buffet with the cost of the room.

James, a founding partner of the firm and a habitually conservative spender, always allowed time to park in the same airport shuttle lot, whether he was taking his family on vacation or going on a necessary business trip. He fumed to himself as he reviewed expense reports from the firm’s tax meeting. The nine-dollar charges for breakfast were especially irritating, because he had noticed that those managers were not in the dining room while he was there himself enjoying the complementary buffet.

In good times, while struggling to retain employees who are constantly being lured away by other opportunities, it seemed picky to disallow those expenses. Now, with the decreased workload, the firm was overstaffed and he was struggling to avoid layoffs. Yet he suspected that his people would grumble at the now necessary restrictions.

Knowing how he had once struggled to overcome a reputation for insensitivity, he decided on a creative solution. He sent out a memo to all managers and partners explaining the need to cut expenses and asked them to each submit at least one idea that would save the company money.

In came suggestions to eliminate valet parking, to eat their meals provided by the hotel, to limit extra baggage charges (for golf clubs) when meeting at resort locations, to limit charges for laundry at hotels, etc. He compiled the suggestions and recirculated them with thanks. There was no resistance when those suggestions were instituted as the new company policy.

When I asked James how he was viewed in the firm, he said he thinks he is seen as a practical pragmatist and appropriate person. He did add wryly that a few people in the firm probably wished there was not a practical, pragmatic, appropriate person around to rain on their parade.

Free Mini-Course: Integrity — Use It or Lose It!

Free Mini-Course: Secrets for Turning Difficult Conversations into Amazing Opportunities for Cooperation and Success]

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Management, Managing Conflict