He Lied To Me

Being committed to communicate with integrity provides some protection against being lied to. It often leads me to question statements that others politely accept. However nothing I know of protects me from a liar who looks and sounds as if she is telling the truth.

I wrote this some time ago, right after I was lied to again. Since I’ve made a commitment to making the 2^nd decade of the 21^st Century the Decade of Communicating with Integrity, I’ve decided to republish it.

It's frustrating, isn't it? You make an agreement in good faith, it's clearly understood by both sides (in this case all three people involved), and then one person simply refuses to keep the agreement.

In this case I made an agreement to coach an employee of a medium sized business. When a third party is paying the bill, it's my policy to sit down with all parties involved, and spell out all our commitments.

The meeting with the business owner and the employee seemed straightforward enough. Goals were identified and a timeline was set to have four coaching sessions and then to check back with the business owner. He seemed quite enthusiastic about the probability of salvaging his relationship with a valued employee.

In my first session with the employee she expressed her doubts about the sincerity of the business owner. She complained about his erratic behavior and the effect it was having on her and her fellow employees. Nevertheless, we continued with our agenda and appeared to make some real progress.

Two days after our first session the employee called back to cancel the other sessions. Her employer had just told her that he decided she wasn't worth it after all. He said that if she wanted coaching she would have to pay for it for herself. I affirmed the employee’s perception about her boss's erratic behavior and wished her well.

Then I wandered off shaking my head. In over 30 years of working with people I am still completely unable to recognize some kinds of lies. I certainly confront people when I recognize inconsistencies — and I am very perceptive. I basically trust people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And sometimes I get fooled.

When I do, I do my best to acknowledge the problem, admit my own fallibility and move on as long as I do not have an ongoing relationship with the person who lied to me.

If I must continue to do business with the person who’s lied, I consider it very important to discuss the situation. Sometimes that discussion results in clarification of the expectations we have with each other. At other times it involves dissolving the business relationship at the earliest possible opportunity.

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

Yvonne, an executive, felt paralyzed by her boss' new rules that required her to get approval for even the smallest expenditures. Yvonne was also representing her company in merger negotiations. The potential partner considered her boss expendable, and asked her to stick it out until their process is complete. The negotiations were going slowly. She wondered whether to get out or stay on, hoping things would change. 

Marianne's new boss did not trust her. All her routine requests for staffing changes were returned with demands for additional irrelevant information. For several months Marianne complied gracefully with all requests. She finally realized that other work was suffering as she tried to comply with these demands, and she was still not getting the staffing she needed. Marianne considered resigning, but was only months away from being vested in her pension fund. 

With the agreement of the executive committee, Louise, vice president of human resources, assured her branch managers that remarks they made during a managers' staff development retreat would be kept confidential.

After the event, she learned that two executives who disliked the resulting report were pressuring managers for details of the meeting. When she protested during a subsequent executive committee meeting, the two executives ridiculed her concerns. 

Decisions about whether to stay in difficult business or personal relationships can feel excruciatingly difficult to resolve. 

Balancing potential losses against maintaining dignity and financial stability are some of the most common issues faced by my clients. There are no simple answers, but following the process they used to make their decisions may help you through a similar situation. 

Each first clarified the outcome she most desired. Yvonne wanted stimulating work and recognition of her talents. Marianne wanted to stay with her company at least until her pension was vested. Louise wanted to be treated with dignity. 

Each decided to do everything possible to change her own situation. As coach, I helped them choose appropriate strategies to communicate their  dissatisfactions. 

• Yvonne asked her boss (the company president) to change the procedures

• Marianne decided that even if her new boss tried to fire her, her pension would be vested by the time that could take place, so she politely refused further demands to stop her other work to produce additional reports. 

• Louise spoke privately to each member of the executive committee about treating her and all members of the company with dignity. 

They all evaluated the results of their actions. 

• The president of Yvonne's firm changed the subject when she talked to him. 

• Marianne's boss became so frustrated and she made herself look bad to her own boss. She was given orders to treat Marianne differently. 

• Louise was told by the company president that she should adjust her values to match the values of the other executives. 

They made decisions by balancing all of these elements. 

• Yvonne developed an outside consulting practice while waiting to see if the takeover would happen. She was prepared to resign and eventually did. 

• Marianne developed a reasonably respectful working relationship with her boss. 

• Louise resigned and eventually found a new opportunity. 

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

I remember always trying very hard to do the best I could, and to please my parents, my teachers and everyone else in authority. I was taught to respect others and above all to be polite.

One of the things I was told over and over again was, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." This worked out fine as long as things were going well and the people around me followed the same rules that I did.

The problem is I didn't know what to do when things went wrong. I felt especially stymied if saying something about a problem might be impolite or cause someone else embarrassment.

So most of the time I kept doing the best that I could and kept my mouth shut even about things that I thought were serious problems.

Then when I finally would speak up I sort of stammered and beat around the bush and managed to get myself ignored. And I couldn't understand what was going on.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

You probably know I'm not that way anymore. But for years I've seen my clients and readers struggle with the same dilemmas.

My struggle has been to find ways to help my friends learn what I've learned along the way. What I've learned has made a huge difference in my life and I think it will in yours too — and I think I've found a way to share it with you.

Watch for more information in a few days.

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you're a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn't arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I'm not quite sure I understand why. I think it's something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I'm sorry it's so frustrating for you either done everything right and it's still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I'd be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you've almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who's lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that's needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you'll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.
 

First let me be clear that I didn't know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.

I didn't know that LinkedIn doesn't allow polls and I didn't know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.

I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.

Here's the question:

"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"

I've written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."

Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.

Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.

Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.

So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"

If you would like a copy of the special report, you can access it at http://www.LaurieWeiss.com

Many thanks to all of you who helped me clarify my thinking and providing new options.

Jerry wrote back saying essentially that his motive for trying to help his boss was because of Jerry’s own responsibility to the organization. He talked about nobody else daring to tell the boss about the problem. Jerry also talked about putting himself in jeopardy if he brought the matter up.

Here’s my next e-mail.

“Dear Jerry,

Your problem is common and usually ignored; sharing it will be helpful to others.

That is an excellent reason for at least attempting to have the conversation.

Asking him if he is aware of the problem and if he is, offering him your suggested solutions, might work. Caution: do NOT proceed without his express permission.

Assume that his intentions were honorable. They probably were. I would also assume that he has a blind spot about what is happening. You are not helping anyone by keeping silent.

My suggestions have helped others achieve positive outcomes. As long as you ask respectful questions instead of scolding you can protect yourself.

You have a real sense of honor and an obligation to the good of the organization. Think through how you will approach him in a way that allows him to maintain his dignity.

Please check out the blog posts for suggestions.

If you think it would help, I am available for telephone consultation @ $75 for thirty minutes payable by credit card. Laurie

I wish I could share Jerry’s additional comments.

I am happy to answer your questions, especially if you are willing to allow me to share the conversation with others.

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.

Essentially, Jerry questioned, his boss’s judgment. From Jerry’s perspective his boss made a decision that was having negative consequences. He wanted to help by giving his boss feedback about the impact of the decision in the organization, but was afraid his boss would react negatively to the feedback.

This was my response:

“You’re asking a really thoughtful question. Before you even consider telling your boss he has not made the right decisions, think really carefully about your own motivation.

Just what do you want to accomplish by telling him this? Now is the time to look really closely at what is in it for you to help him. It is okay to look for your selfish motivations here, too. Most people have motivations like showing off, being right, protecting one’s job, looking good or maybe even correcting some perceived wrong. Being honest with yourself is critical.

Then I think you need to evaluate whether telling him he is wrong will accomplish your goal. Since few people like to be told they are wrong or admit they are wrong, a better strategy might be to ask him questions about his desires and intentions.

Another useful strategy is to tell him that you have made some observations about how people have responded to his actions that may cause problems for him. Then ask if he is is interested in hearing them. Be prepared to be as specific as you can be while still protecting your sources. If he is not interested in hearing your views then back off and don’t push the issue.

There is lots of information on this blog and both of my business communication products: The Integrity Course and Dare To Say It: How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships.

Good luck.

Laurie“

Jerry wrote back, saying …(continued in the next post)