“You want me to do what???”

“Act helpless and grovel,” I said, to the executive who prided herself on keeping her composure under the most trying of circumstances.

Caroline was in a quandary when her soon-to-be ex-husband chose a very hard-hitting lawyer and withdrew from the mediation they had agreed upon. She wanted this divorce to be amicable and had chosen an attorney who specialized in supporting mediated settlements.

Her attorney freely admitted that she was cowed by the win/lose tactics of Samantha, the husband’s bullying attorney. Caroline’s attorney suggested that she work with Steve, the only attorney who had successfully opposed Samantha in court. But she also warned Caroline that Steve was extremely difficult to work with.

Caroline decided to check a bit before engaging Steve. Everyone she talked to agreed that she needed Steve’s help. They also agreed that he was “difficult.”

Meanwhile, Samantha managed to get a restraining order to keep Caroline from seeing her teenage children. Caroline was devastated and when she called Steve’s office, his office manager Martha was sympathetic and quickly arranged her first appointment with Steve.

The appointment went well, and when Steve suggested an equally hard-hitting strategy to counter to Samantha’s aggressiveness, Caroline agreed and engaged him. She was meticulous about collecting the necessary information and managing the paperwork that was required for the complex divorce proceedings.

Then things got nastier. Her husband threatened her physical safety and the police became involved. As the situation escalated, it got harder and harder for her to reach Steve.

Martha, Steve’s office manager also became less cooperative. The more Caroline tried to be helpful by providing the paperwork and pointing out deadlines and options, the more it seemed like Martha was acting rudely and seemed to be delaying Caroline’s work. Several of Caroline’s appointments with Steve were canceled at the last minute and he stopped returning her phone calls.

The court date was approaching and Caroline was beginning to panic.

As we reviewed the situation together, it became clear that her strategy of demonstrating her competency and helpfulness to Martha was having a negative effect. It seemed that the more competent Caroline looked the more threatened Martha felt.

When we described the situation in terms of the Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim roles in the Drama Triangle, things began to make more sense. Whenever she approached Martha from a helpful position, Martha acted like an overworked victim. When Martha acted like a victim, Caroline felt like she was being persecuted.

When Caroline had approached Martha from a weak position initially, Martha had been very helpful. We decided that Martha liked to play the role of a Rescuer. If Caroline could get her back into that role, there was a chance that she would stop blocking the divorce process.

But when I suggested that Caroline would need to abandon her competent executive stance in order to grovel and beg Martha to help her, Caroline was shocked.

She did it, though. Caroline told me about how she stopped by Steve’s office and in a shaky voice told Martha how upset and worried she felt. She even managed a few tears.

Martha almost immediately switched to being helpful, found Caroline’s “lost” information and even helped her set up a new appointment with Steve. Caroline thanked Martha profusely as she left the office.

Ever the strategist, Caroline immediately stopped at a florist shop and sent Martha flowers. Martha called to thank her and became even more helpful.

I congratulated Caroline on her behavioral flexibility, and on her ability to communicate in a way that got her what she needed.

I wouldn’t advocate this kind of manipulation in a situation in which there is an ongoing relationship. I’d generally suggest finding a way to communicate outside of the Drama Triangle, which almost always causes problems. However in this emergency situation I think Caroline’s actions were warranted.

For a more detailed discussion of the Drama Triangle and how to use it to understand difficult communication situations, see Dare To Say It: How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships.

[tags]Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Self-Management, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

“And after the explosion, what happens?” I asked. “If I fight back, the argument could go on for days, if I’m quiet, the next day he acts as if nothing happened and we get back to work..” Betty replied.

I explained that a recurring pattern like this one usually means that the people involved are trying, unsuccessfully, to communicate something important to each other. I asked if Phil would join us for a coaching session to try to decode the unsuccessful communication. He was happy to, he hated the arguments and lost time as much as she did.

I listened closely as they started to discuss an unresolved business problem, I noticed that Betty was doing most of the talking. Whenever she paused and Phil started to speak, she would interrupt him and continue speaking. I stopped the conversation and asked Phil how he felt. He said he felt frustrated.

When I asked if the frustration could be because he had no space to express his thoughts, he looked relieved. That really was the problem. Betty was stunned. All she was trying to do was contribute to solving a problem (the business issue) without any awareness that she was helping create another problem (their pattern of unsuccessful communication.)

Once we all understood how the pattern worked, we designed a series of steps to interrupt it as soon as it was recognized. Phil agreed to make a time out signal when he wanted to speak. Betty agreed to stop talking and listen. Betty agreed to stop her current conversation as soon as she noticed the silent treatment, and simply tell Phil that she recognized that she was back in the pattern again. They were elated at how quickly they succeeded.

Coaching Tip: Recurrent patterns of unsuccessful communication were identified as “Games People Play” by Eric Berne, M.D. in his popular book by that name. It is difficult to stop such a pattern when you are inside it. Getting help saves enormous time and energy.

[tags]Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Telling the Truth, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

A belief that I’m OK and You’re OK is visible in attitudes people display when speaking with each other. They get on with solving problems instead of getting away from,… getting rid of,… or getting nowhere when problems are revealed.

Example: If I’m OK and you’re OK, then if something goes wrong between us, we get on with solving the problem together. We take the initiative to acknowledge that something is happening that’s not working or that something needs improving. Then we decide what are we’re going to do about it.

Reverse Example: If I’m not OK and you’re OK, then if something goes on between us I "know" it’s because there’s something wrong with me. I would rather not expose that flaw, so I’ll attempt to withdraw and get away from the problem. Nothing useful is going to happen.

Reverse Example: If I’m OK and you’re not OK, and something happens, there’s nothing for us to solve. It’s obviously your problem because you’re not OK. If I can get rid of you, the problem goes away, too.

Reverse Example: If neither one of us is OK, we’ll both attempt to retreat, and attempts at problem-solving will get nowhere. If by some rare chance, you did something about it, I would screw it up.

Example: "Jim had something come up at the last minute. Maybe we should just reschedule the meeting for a time when everyone can be here." Spoken while knowing it took weeks to get the meeting scheduled, and Jim is not a key player.

This article is excerpted from Dare To Say It: How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships , by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
[tags]Emotional Intelligence, Difficult Communication, Business Communication, Telling the Truth,Self-Management,Transactional Analysis[/tags]