While she waited in Roger’s office, he listened to his messages and chatted with another client. Evelyn was furious because she wasted 20 minutes that could have been spent and productive work. It seemed to her that Roger had no regard for her value to the firm.

I asked whether she could have signaled Roger that she would be in her office waiting for him when he was ready to talk to her assigned client. Evelyn agreed that would be a way of handling the immediate problem.

But, she said the problem with Roger was more general. He would come into her office for what she thought would be a brief conversation, and end up spending 45 minutes on nothing in particular. She would then get behind on her other projects. She would then either work through her lunch hour, or leave late in order to keep her commitments.

Evelyn was being far too polite and failing to set appropriate limits with Roger, and with other people as well. By default, she was training people to not respect her time. She needed to learn to manage up; to effectively manage her own boss.

The idea that she could respectfully influence her boss’’s behavior was new to Evelyn. She didn’t want to be impolite, but she did want to establish a different relationship with him.

Together, we decided that she would have a conversation with Roger, explaining that from now on, she’d be responding to him all little bit differently. She planned to tell him that she thought she could be more effective for the firm if she was more effective in managing her own time. In order to do that, each time he started a conversation with her she would tell him how much time she had available to talk.

We chose this approach in order to solve the problem without the necessity of confronting Roger about wasting her time. By acting as if she, not he, had the problem, Evelyn was able to recruit him to help her solve a problem for the benefit of the firm. Although he didn’t particularly like being limited, he understood her problem and was willing to comply.

I invited Evelyn to practice recruiting people to help her solve problems by acting as if the entire responsibility for the problem was hers — even if it wasn’t. This approach helps them save face, and often people approached this way will quickly accept responsibility for their part in creating a mutual problem.

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends. 

When Wesley heard that a new senior manager was about to eliminate his department, he decided to get coaching to cope with a probable demotion. Instead, he got very excited about the possibility of resigning and deliberately making a major change, but he did not think the finances could work. He was surprised by an offer of either an early retirement package or an interesting job in another department.

Roy was also apologetic during his coaching call. He had left his job just a few weeks before, carefully putting into place the foundation for a new consulting practice. Instead of continuing our coaching about launching his practice, he wanted to discuss an exciting, unsolicited, job offer.

Have you ever experienced that when you take steps to move in a new direction, a new opportunity comes from an unexpected source? You wonder if the opportunity would have happened anyway, and if you were wasting your time trying to take control of your life. The experience is common, but the explanations for it vary.

One explanation is the spiritual belief system that on a fundamental level, we are all deeply connected, if not all part of each other. Everything is known to everyone, so your intention is not a secret. Scientifically, Chaos theory suggests something similar. A small shift in one area may have a major and unpredictable effect in another.

Another possible explanation is that dynamic energy tends to interact with more objects than stored energy. People who are deliberately expending energy to learn and grow seem to attract more opportunities than people whose lives are static.

While actively exploring new pathways Candace, Wesley and Roy were sending mysterious messages to the universe that they were ready for change, and the universe responded. They each carefully considered their new opportunities before deciding how to proceed.

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. For boldness has genius, power and magic in it!” – Goethe

Coaching tip: Expect surprises.
Additional Information: The Integrity Course.
[tags]Coaching,Life Transitions, Making Decisions, New Job, [/tags]

The job itself was a wonderful change — almost too good to be true. Andrea’s superb reputation had led to her current assignment. When she met her boss, he informed her that he would like her to become his deputy and to prepare to take his position when he retired. She was expecting to continue doing project management work, and was stunned by his offer, which she immediately accepted. He set up a well thought-out training agenda with her that would allow her to familiarize herself with the unit, assist him, and gradually to assume additional responsibilities. Then her fantasies intensified.

As Andrea’s coach, I asked what she could do to shift her attention back to her work. Deciding she needed to clearly separate her current boss from her old lover in her mind, she wrote a letter to her old lover. She thanked him for the past relationship and reminded him of the reasons for ending it, and informed him of how her life had been developing. Then she destroyed the letter and the fantasies vanished. They were replaced by fears of being unable to master her new job. Doing a reality check about her fears demonstrated that they were completely unfounded. She was doing fine!

Nothing was wrong, but Andrea was reacting as if she was under great stress, and she was. As is often the case, a positive change had stimulated a reactive regression! Andrea was re-experiencing old, long-since resolved problems, and they weren’t even real problems. PAR, Progressive Abreactive Regression, a phenomena described by Arthur Stein, is a predictable regression that follows a breakthrough achievement. When we looked at the pattern, rather than the individual problems, Andrea realized that she had once more broken a self-created barrier, and just needed extra support until she got used to her new success. She arranged for extra nurturing from her family, friends, and her coach and is now thoroughly enjoying her new job.

Coaching tip: When strange things happen, look beyond the individual problems to the pattern they represent. PAR frequently accompanies success. What may look like a need for therapy may be a normal, easily managed coaching issue.

Additional Information: The Breakthrough Process
[tags] Managing Change, Managing Fear, New Job, Making Decisions, Life Transitions [/tags]

In an extra session a few hours later, we explored what was happening to him. He loved his new job, his new house had some problems but was generally delightful, and people were welcoming him to his new community. Everything was going even better than he had anticipated. Why the sudden panic when nothing was really wrong?

We both recognized his fear and uncertainty. When we started our coaching relationship we had seen it frequently, but as he clarified his goals and carried through the steps to make them happen, his self-confidence had grown. Now he was regressing. When I explained that regression, going back to earlier (negative) feelings, was a normal reaction to major change, he began to relax.

Regression is a natural response to progression. It is how we all learned to explore the world when we were children. Babies crawl away from their parents, try new things, suddenly discover they are alone, hurry back for a refueling hug, and crawl off again. The cycle is repeated over and over again. Adults feel the same way, but usually think it is a sign of weakness to need the equivalent of a parental hug. It isn’t! Noticing needs, and making sure they are managed is necessary for growth.

When I asked what support he needed to resolve his regression, he remembered pushing aside sad feelings about leaving his old friends. He decided to take time from organizing his new home to make some calls and catch up with his friends. Three days later, during his regular call, he was feeling great.

Coaching Tip: When a client seems to be regressing, ask these questions. “What is the big step forward that led to this regression?” “What kind of support do you need to feel okay again?”

Additional Information: Free Mini-Course: Integrity — Use It or Lose It!

[tags] Coaching, Managing Change, New Job, Emotional Intelligence[/tags]