What you do need to know is below. My friend Suzanna wrote that part, and the reminders I will send over the next few days. The series starts Monday, November 15, and ends Friday; and my interview will be broadcast on Wednesday. I have  created an incredible offer for you – read on…

It's an old saying …

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"Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug!"
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Yes, sometimes you succeed.

At other times … you FAIL!

THAT'S LIFE.

———————  THE BIG QUESTION …———————

So, how do you turn your failures, frustrations, challenges, and setbacks into SUCCESS?

How do you OVERCOME the obstacles in your way?

How do you get BEYOND the past … and remove the barriers that have held you back?

That's what my friend Suzanna Abbott is asking me when she interviews me during her "FAILURE TO FEARLESS" telesummit series.

http://tinyurl.com/2gyzdgb

You get to attend and listen in for FREE.

In fact, you can attend ALL 22 calls in this telesummit series as my GUEST.

Register here:

http://tinyurl.com/2gyzdgb

I think you'll LOVE my interview with Suzanna.

But, I also think you're REALLY going to learn and grow from the other 21 guest experts as well.

Grab this opportunity while it's available.

Register NOW:

>>>

See you on the call …

Laurie
 

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you're a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn't arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I'm not quite sure I understand why. I think it's something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I'm sorry it's so frustrating for you either done everything right and it's still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I'd be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you've almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who's lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that's needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you'll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.
 

First let me be clear that I didn't know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.

I didn't know that LinkedIn doesn't allow polls and I didn't know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.

I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.

Here's the question:

"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"

I've written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."

Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.

Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.

Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.

So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"

If you would like a copy of the special report, you can access it at http://www.LaurieWeiss.com

Many thanks to all of you who helped me clarify my thinking and providing new options.

• That his client also offer $1000 of her services free to two of her clients who are facing financial difficulties.
• That her clients who take advantage of her free services also pay it forward by each offering two people $1000 of their services free.
• That each person who benefits agrees to pass on the favor to two additional recipients.

Bill is making a bet that offering her free services will do at least two things. One, it will energize his client and affirm her self worth in the midst of her financial struggles. Two, that this will make her more attractive and her business will increase and she will be able to resume paying him his regular fees. Bill is calling this a reverse Ponzi scheme. He’s willing to gamble that the outcome will be positive. I am, too. I’m willing to try this scheme myself to see what happens. Are you?

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.  

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956.

Say what you feel.

Say what you mean.

Say it quickly — take your time.

Say it right or something awful will surely happen.

Say it wrong and watch out.

Say it anyway — what can they really do?

Just say it, spit it out even if it chokes you.

Say it now, not later — later may be too late.

Say it softly — maybe no one will notice.

Say it. Declare yourself now! Today!

Let the drums roll if they will, or let it fall softly as a whisper in the moonlight.

Say it carefully — think it through — you never know what they’ll think of you.

Oh, what the hell! Just say it now!

Is anyone listening?

I had the pleasure of participating in Anne Randolph’’s Soup Kitchen Writing workshop for members of the Colorado Independent Publishers Association. I did a writing exercise and much to my surprise, these words appeared.

The next day I realized that I had written a description of what most of us go through before daring to say IT — — before daring to have the important conversation that will make a difference.

If you have this conversation in your own mind before you have an important conversation with someone else, you’ll want to check out these free minicourses: Integrity: Use It or Lose It How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships 

As Samantha’s coach, I jumped to full alert. I had heard this story before. As the owner of a small computer servicing company, she had been so focused on covering her “off-hours” shifts that she had gotten into financial difficulty before by paying very high fees to other IT professionals.

In fact, she had resentfully gone without a paycheck for months at a time in order to keep her company afloat.

“What happened?”

“Once I agreed to pay him more than I could afford just to cover the shift, he told me he also wanted to be paid extra for every service call.”

“Why did you accept those conditions when you know you can’t afford them?”

“I KNOW he won’t accept the work unless I give in, and I really need the coverage. I’m covering too many shifts myself as it is. I’m SURE he’ll go away if I don’t do this. You know how hard it is for me to find anyone really qualified who is willing to do this kind of work.”

Samantha has all the information she needs to successfully manage the finances of her company. She has good advisors and a sound business plan. Yet she keeps undercutting herself and setting herself up for failure by making unrealistic agreements. And she justifies doing so by exaggerating what might happen if she stands up for herself.

So what is really going on here?

Samantha is afraid to negotiate. She refuses to take a stand that might irritate someone else. No matter how outrageous a request is, she is convinced that if she says no, the other party will walk away, leaving her without the services she needs.

Each time she makes an agreement with someone she feels like she loses and the other party wins. Intellectually she understands what a win-win agreement is, but she has never actually experienced a situation where both negotiators feel satisfied with the outcome.

Because of my background as a psychotherapist, I know that this belief system is not rational. Certainly her behavior does not look very rational. Both her beliefs and behavior are the result of experiences she had as a child.

Samantha and I have an agreement that I can identify therapy issues that come up in coaching. I already know that she grew up as a middle child who always had to defer to the needs of her older brother and younger sister. Her life experience was that her needs were not important and theirs were.

I suspected, and asked her, if she felt like she used to feel when she was a child (whose needs were not important) when she made the latest untenable financial arrangement. She readily admitted that she did.

Once Samantha realized that she was re-enacting an old situation where she actually was powerless, she decided that she needed to do something different.

She didn’t have the courage to reopen the negotiation with the man she had hired. Instead she found someone else who would cover the extra shifts for a reasonable fee. She rarely scheduled the one who overcharged and eventually he moved on.

Samantha has become alert to situations where her old beliefs interfere with her business success. She knows she is still vulnerable and we are still working on developing her negotiation skills.

Coaching Tip: People make non-rational decisions over and over again, based their early life experiences. When you know WHY you keep doing something that is against your better interests, it will be easier to change that non-productive behavior.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

[tags]Management Development, Managing Conflict Managing Fear, Self-Management, Management, Business Communication, Coaching Conflict, Difficult Communication[/tags]

A week later, during her next coaching call, Linda reported that she had managed to cut 20 hours off her workweek, and was feeling almost human again.

The work was getting done and she was ready to start thinking about changing other aspects of her life to bring it into a better balance. She decided to start on some of the self-assessment and personal development programs I had suggested that she consider using. I recommended that Linda choose only one program to focus on instead of trying to do them all.

 If you enjoyed this article, The Integrity Course will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

“I’m so angry about my schedule that I’m ready to quit this job, too! I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. It’s the third time in four years. I’m getting worried about how unstable I’ll look on my resume.” Elizabeth was fuming.

A negative situation that happens over and over again frequently is like a red flag to me. As a relationship coach, I’m curious. Elizabeth seems like a competent professional. What is really going on here?

Laurie: “Have you discussed this problem with your supervisor?”

Elizabeth: “Of course. I told her what I want, but she never listens to me.”

Laurie (suspicious): “How did you tell her?”

Elizabeth: “I turned in my written schedule request on the standard form, just like everyone else does.

Laurie: “How many forms does your supervisor get every week?

Elizabeth: “I guess there are about fifteen other employees.”

Laurie: “Elizabeth, what do you think would happen if you spoke directly to your supervisor about how unhappy you are?”

Elizabeth (with great conviction): “I couldn’t do that; she would get angry at me!”

I am really curious now. How does she know her supervisor would get angry with her? Is there evidence that her supervisor acts inappropriately? On a hunch, knowing that present problem perceptions often are rooted in the past, I ask a seemingly off-track question.

Laurie: “Did someone else get angry at you for talking about how you feel?”

Elizabeth: “My mother used to get furious with me when I wanted to do ordinary teenage things like go out with my friends. She expected me to babysit the younger kids while she worked a swing shift. I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 17, just to get away from her.”

Laurie: “Elizabeth, how should your mother have treated you?”

Elizabeth: “I knew she had to work, I just wish she had listened instead of getting angry, and that once in a while she could have either stayed home herself or at least found another sitter.”

Now I had the information about where Elizabeth’s expectations had come from. I wondered if she really had a difficult supervisor.

Laurie: “Have you ever seen or heard about your supervisor being as unreasonable as your mother?”

Elizabeth (thinking): “Not really; I’ve never seen her lose her cool with anyone. She is usually pretty nice.”

Laurie: “Elizabeth, can you see any connections between the two situations?

Elizabeth: “I guess I’m expecting my supervisor to treat me the same way my mother did. I’m ready to run away again instead of risking telling her what I want, face to face, and giving her a chance to change things. She just might rearrange things if I ask. I can at least give it a try.”

Elizabeth did take the risk of discussing the problem with her supervisor. She was immensely relieved to be actually listened to and heard. Her supervisor promised to review the situation and see what changes could be made.

Are you like Elizabeth? Do you respond to present problems with behavior that made sense in the past? Do you unconsciously expect a familiar negative response if you ask for what you really want or need?

Learning to communicate effectively at work is a common challenge. It does get easier when you recognize that your own history may be part of the problem that needs to be solved.

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., Master Certified Coach, internationally known therapist, consultant and author, has been helping people create successful business and personal relationships for over 30 years. Email feedback@laurieweiss.com
Claim your complimentary e-course, Secrets For Turning Difficult Conversations Into Amazing Opportunities for Cooperation and Success by Laurie Weiss.
[tags]Managing Fear, Self-Management, Business Communication, Coaching, Emotional Intelligence[/tags]

Understanding and using these principles will help you feel more confident about the choices you make and help you develop the skills you need to tell the truth with grace and skill.

1. Realize that your truth is not THE TRUTH, and neither is anyone else‘s.

You are unique. There is no one else in the world who has had exactly the same life experiences as you. Your past experiences have a profound influence upon how you see and understand your world.

Since there is always more data coming at you than you or anyone else could possibly process, your brain screens out everything that it believes is irrelevant to you. Your brain makes those instantaneous decisions based upon what it has previously learned is pleasant or painful. That means that whatever you perceive (your truth) is only a part of what is present.

Anyone who has had a different life than you have had (including your sisters, brothers, significant other, children, parents, co-workers, etc.) chooses somewhat different things to screen out. Therefore, what they perceive as true (their truth) is bound to be different than your truth.

Understanding this basic fact, shows how pointless it is to argue about what is THE TRUTH. THE TRUTH simply does not exist.

2. Know what is true for you, including the signals that you are unaware of some aspects of your own truth.

Since you are the only one who knows what you see, hear, feel, taste, or smell, it is important to pay attention to that information. You may not understand why something is attractive or repulsive to you, but knowing that you have feelings about it is one way to help you make choices, including the choice to learn more about why you feel the way you do.

When you were a child, others didn‘t necessarily appreciate or agree with your expressions of what you liked or hated. In the course of becoming civilized, you learned to stop paying attention to your own truths. You then learned to pay attention to what others believed instead, and to invalidate things about you that others did not like.

Many adults cover their own uncomfortable and invalidated truths by doing things to keep their attention away from their own experiences. Mindlessly watching TV, overeating, smoking, overworking, alcohol and drug abuse, are all ways of tuning out this awareness.

Make a habit of using your favorite way of tuning out as a signal to check in with yourself and learn your own truth.

Learn more about these principles by reading the stories of ordinary people who are learning about how to tell the truth effectively in The Integrity Course.
[tags]Self-Management, Telling the Truth,Managing Fear,Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence,Business Communication[/tags]