You may hate confrontation. Someone raising his or her voice may make you want to run and hide. And it certainly seems safer to freeze into nothing and wait till the situation burns itself out. But sometimes that’s just not an option. So here’s the plan you can prepare in advance so you’ll know step by step what to do to be able to salvage most situations — and you may even come out looking like a hero.

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you’re a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn’t arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I’m not quite sure I understand why. I think it’s something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I’m sorry it’s so frustrating for you either done everything right and it’s still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I’d be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you’ve almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who’s lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that’s needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you’ll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.
 

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Managing Fear, Self-Management

 On July 7 I posted a question on LinkedIn. Several of the people who responded asked to be updated about what happened next.

First let me be clear that I didn’t know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.

I didn’t know that LinkedIn doesn’t allow polls and I didn’t know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.

I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.

Here’s the question:

"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"

I’ve written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss

I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."

Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.

Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.

Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.

So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"

If you would like a copy of the special report, you can access it at http://www.LaurieWeiss.com

Many thanks to all of you who helped me clarify my thinking and providing new options.

written by admin \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Managing Fear, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

What can you do when a valued client needs to drop your services because of current financial pressures? Senior executive leadership coach Bill Shirley, http://insearchofeagles.com , is experimenting with this creative solution. He made a clear agreement to pay it forward. But that’s not all. Bill offered his client a deal. He agreed to provide $1000 of his services completely free — under certain specified conditions. The conditions are:

• That his client also offer $1000 of her services free to two of her clients who are facing financial difficulties.
• That her clients who take advantage of her free services also pay it forward by each offering two people $1000 of their services free.
• That each person who benefits agrees to pass on the favor to two additional recipients.

Bill is making a bet that offering her free services will do at least two things. One, it will energize his client and affirm her self worth in the midst of her financial struggles. Two, that this will make her more attractive and her business will increase and she will be able to resume paying him his regular fees. Bill is calling this a reverse Ponzi scheme. He’s willing to gamble that the outcome will be positive. I am, too. I’m willing to try this scheme myself to see what happens. Are you?

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.  

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Integrity, Managing Fear, Self-Management

Laurie will be interviewed on Barbara Dixon’s Spirit Speaks blog radio talk show. Her topic is "How to Nurture Your Relationship During These Changing Times." Tune in at 10:00 a.m. ET on Monday, March 16. by clicking the Play button in the box below:

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview. If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Change, Managing Fear, Money, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self-Management

Say what you think

Say what you feel.

Say what you mean.

Say it quickly — take your time.

Say it right or something awful will surely happen.

Say it wrong and Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Difficult Communication, Managing Fear, Self-Management, Telling the Truth

“ I agreed to pay him so much that I’ll end up losing money each time he covers for me,” complained Samantha.

As Samantha’s coach, I jumped to full alert. I had heard this story before. As the owner of a small computer servicing company, she had been so focused on covering her “off-hours” shifts that she had gotten into financial difficulty before by paying very high fees to other IT professionals.

In fact, she had resentfully gone without a paycheck for months at a time in order to keep her company afloat. Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss

A week later, during her next coaching call, Linda reported that she had managed to cut 20 hours off her workweek, and was feeling almost human again.

The work was getting done and she was ready to start thinking about changing other aspects of her life to bring it into a better balance. She decided to start on some of the self-assessment and personal development programs I had suggested that she consider using. I recommended that Linda choose only one program to focus on instead of trying to do them all.

 If you enjoyed this article, The Integrity Course will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Business Communication, Coaching, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Management, Managing Fear

Warning! Relationship patterns from your past can influence your relationships at work now — without your knowledge or consent.

“I’m so angry about my schedule that I’m ready to quit this job, too! I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. It’s the third time in four years. I’m getting worried about how unstable I’ll look on my resume.” Elizabeth was fuming.

A negative situation that happens over and over again frequently is like a red flag to me. As a relationship coach, I’m curious. Elizabeth seems like a competent professional. What is really going on here? Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss

Telling the truth can be risky. It is often difficult to find a balance between telling important truths and protecting the feelings and reputations of everyone involved. Not only that, but honest, well-intentioned people don‘t always agree about what is true. It may seem easier to keep the truth to yourself than to cause a rift in an important relationship. Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss

Brain-hijacking almost cost Evelyn her job.

After several employees resigned because of her behavior, Evelyn’s manager had insisted Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss