“I use this because I find it very hard to say what I need to say when I know someone is wrong.”
G. subscribed to my minicourse, Integrity: Use It Or Lose It (www.TheIntegrityCourse.com); the beginning of this conversation was about how much she enjoyed my writing — so of course I responded. Then she sent this:
I tried one of your tips of apologizing first and saying I may be wrong before I start and it worked.
I'm dealing with defensive family members who are quite angry at the moment as my mum has just passed away and trying to get through to some of them is a nightmare as one in particular is going down the wrong path. She wants to shun my Dad because she had a terrible childhood while he is grieving. My dad is very kind now and I'm trying to get her to love the man he is now and not live in the past of 40 years ago. I can only say very little to her or she explodes or puts the phone down on me if I tell her she is being unkind, or she tells me she doesn't want my help. So any more tips would be greatly appreciated.
This simple technique really helped me and is now stuck in my head so going to use it always as I find it very hard to confront anyone or speak up for myself. I find it very hard to say what I need to say when I know someone is wrong.
Many thanks
G
Laurie: In terms of trying to get anyone else to do what you think is best for them, you have taken on a difficult, if not impossible task. I suggest that you continue to love and support your dad and just let your relative follow her own path. You might even tell her that you know you can't get her to change her mind and apologize for trying. Good luck.
I don't know if you were on the call, but I hope you have had time to listen to the recording.
(I thought perhaps she had just listened to the teleclass, "Planning Challenging Conversations: Secrets to Saying What You Think and Getting Heard –
I've still to listen to your recording, on my to do list, but will definitely do as will help me i'm sure.
That is all I'm doing is supporting my Dad and letting her follow her own path. But it still upsets me when she tells me she has been mean to my Dad, although she doesn't see it this way, and I never say anything, I just listen. Do you think I should tell her when i think something she is saying or doing is mean, or just leave it.
I think I feel upset with myself as I don't wont to rock the boat with her, so feel I can't tell her when she is being mean and she thinks she has a perfect right to do the mean thing as she doesn't see it as mean. It's like she can't help herself and she can't see the destruction and hurt she is causing.
Many thanks
G
I answered her question “Do you think I should tell her when i think something she is saying or doing is mean, or just leave it.”
Laurie:Try repeating what she said to her and either ask her what she meant by it or just say (in shocked surprise) "Did I actually hear you say___________?" or, just try asking if she would like to be treated that way if she were grieving or say that you would be upset it if someone treated you
that way.
These three executive women all found themselves in situations they considered untenable. In order to decide what to do they each had to examine their most significant priorities.
Yvonne, an executive, felt paralyzed by her boss' new rules that required her to get approval for even the smallest expenditures. Yvonne was also representing her company in merger negotiations. The potential partner considered her boss expendable, and asked her to stick it out until their process is complete. The negotiations were going slowly. She wondered whether to get out or stay on, hoping things would change.
Marianne's new boss did not trust her. All her routine requests for staffing changes were returned with demands for additional irrelevant information. For several months Marianne complied gracefully with all requests. She finally realized that other work was suffering as she tried to comply with these demands, and she was still not getting the staffing she needed. Marianne considered resigning, but was only months away from being vested in her pension fund.
With the agreement of the executive committee, Louise, vice president of human resources, assured her branch managers that remarks they made during a managers' staff development retreat would be kept confidential.
After the event, she learned that two executives who disliked the resulting report were pressuring managers for details of the meeting. When she protested during a subsequent executive committee meeting, the two executives ridiculed her concerns.
Decisions about whether to stay in difficult business or personal relationships can feel excruciatingly difficult to resolve.
Balancing potential losses against maintaining dignity and financial stability are some of the most common issues faced by my clients. There are no simple answers, but following the process they used to make their decisions may help you through a similar situation.
Each first clarified the outcome she most desired. Yvonne wanted stimulating work and recognition of her talents. Marianne wanted to stay with her company at least until her pension was vested. Louise wanted to be treated with dignity.
Each decided to do everything possible to change her own situation. As coach, I helped them choose appropriate strategies to communicate their dissatisfactions.
Yvonne asked her boss (the company president) to change the procedures
Marianne decided that even if her new boss tried to fire her, her pension would be vested by the time that could take place, so she politely refused further demands to stop her other work to produce additional reports.
Louise spoke privately to each member of the executive committee about treating her and all members of the company with dignity.
They all evaluated the results of their actions.
The president of Yvonne's firm changed the subject when she talked to him.
Marianne's boss became so frustrated and she made herself look bad to her own boss. She was given orders to treat Marianne differently.
Louise was told by the company president that she should adjust her values to match the values of the other executives.
They made decisions by balancing all of these elements.
Yvonne developed an outside consulting practice while waiting to see if the takeover would happen. She was prepared to resign and eventually did.
Marianne developed a reasonably respectful working relationship with her boss.
Louise resigned and eventually found a new opportunity.
If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.
Are you a lot like me? I was raised with a very strong moral compass. I remember always trying very hard to do the best I could, and to please my parents, my teachers and everyone else in authority.
I was taught to respect others and above all to be polite. One of the things I was told over and over again was, "If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all."
This worked out fine as long as things were going well and the people around me followed the same rules that I did. The problem is I didn’t know what to do when things went wrong. I felt especially stymied if saying something about a problem might be impolite or cause someone else embarrassment.
So most of the time I kept doing the best that I could and kept my mouth shut even about things that I thought were serious problems. Then when I finally would speak up I sort of stammered and beat around the bush and managed to get myself ignored.
And I couldn’t understand what was going on.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
You probably know I’m not that way anymore. But for years I’ve seen my clients and readers struggle with the same dilemmas. My struggle has been to find ways to help my friends learn what I’ve learned along the way.
What I’ve learned has made a huge difference in my life and I think it will in yours too — and I think I’ve found a way to share it with you. Watch for more information in a few days.
"My boss is cracking the whip, and when I try to comment on it, he jumps down my throat – he won’t talk about it."
Have you ever had someone defend himself (or herself) by attacking you when you did something that seemed quite reasonable? Defensive behavior is, sadly, very common.
Defensive behavior usually signals that someone feels threatened.
If the boss was telling you the truth about how he feels, he might say this. "I’m scared to take responsibility for the problem I see. I don’t want to feel how vulnerable I am. Threats surround me, the economy is awful and isn’t getting better and I’m worried about keeping my job and paying college tuition for my kid."
Of course he doesn’t say this; he probably doesn’t even know it himself. He’s supposed to be strong, and he is feeling vulnerable, but he doesn’t want anyone to know how scared he is.
So what can you do?
Strange as it seems, you may be able to disarm him by showing your vulnerability and talking about your own fear. He may switch from defensiveness to nurturing.
In the popular TV show Burn Notice, the star wounds himself because a little blood brings out sympathy and makes his potential attacker less suspicious.
In the animal kingdom, showing the throat signals capitulation and saves the defeated animal from being killed. The victor knows he is victorious and that’s sufficient.
So when you accidentally invoke an attack, suspect that the person attacking you is defending vulnerable parts of himself and back off. Show your own vulnerability – then he won’t need to show his — and he won’t feel so threatened.
Here’s a simple way to defuse defensive behavior.
Just assume responsibility by apologizing – even if you are not responsible. He may even argue with you to assume his part in causing the problem.
Talk about the impact a problem has on you instead of how he caused the problem. You may be pleasantly surprised at how anxious he is to fix it or make amends or take responsibility for causing it.
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a Master Certified Coach and communication expert. Dr. Weiss has spent 35 years helping clients resolve conflict in business and personal relationships. Email feedback@laurieweiss.com
You may hate confrontation. Someone raising his or her voice may make you want to run and hide. And it certainly seems safer to freeze into nothing and wait till the situation burns itself out. But sometimes that’s just not an option. So here’s the plan you can prepare in advance so you’ll know step by step what to do to be able to salvage most situations — and you may even come out looking like a hero.
Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you’re a deer in the headlights.
Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn’t arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I’m not quite sure I understand why. I think it’s something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I’m sorry it’s so frustrating for you either done everything right and it’s still not working" or
Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I’d be (angry, worried) too."
You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.
Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.
By this time you’ve almost always a achieve your objective.
These steps work because they help someone who’s lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that’s needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.
That person will be grateful to you for your help and you’ll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.
Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways to identify and resolve conflict.
On July 7 I posted a question on LinkedIn. Several of the people who responded asked to be updated about what happened next.
First let me be clear that I didn’t know exactly what I was doing. I had just finished reading Shama Hyder’s e-book, “The Zen Of Social Media Marketing”, where she recommended using the question function on LinkedIn to get help when you need it. I needed it.
I didn’t know that LinkedIn doesn’t allow polls and I didn’t know that LinkedIn does allow you to send direct questions to up to 200 people in your network. I only have 166 direct contacts and ended up sending the question to all of them. I received a total of 25 responses — 20 of them within the first 24 hours.
I consider that a phenomenal response and I was delighted with how generously so many people shared thoughtful answers.
Here’s the question:
"Choosing a title for a white paper for my Twitter followers. Which title would you be more likely to download? "Would you rather [1.let others walk all over you] or [2. get screwed] than risk looking stupid or being rejected?"
I’ve written a white paper about the costs of avoiding confrontations in communication and the need to develop skills for choosing and managing those confrontations. I intend to offer it as a giveaway on the landing page I list on my Twitter profile. http://twitter.com/LaurieWeiss
I would also welcome ideas for a shorter title."
Many of the responses were a variation of "it depends" with a lot of very thoughtful things to consider. The six responses that were "simply use option 2" (get screwed) all came from successful Internet marketers. The 11 people who voted for option 1 (walk all over you) came mostly from the coaching, consulting and therapy worlds.
Several people suggested that I go with a more positive or affirmative title.
Lots of people suggested variations and several pointed out that my proposed titles did not contain search engine friendly keywords. Another compelling consideration was whether I was aiming my message at a male or female audience. The information I have is that my audience is about two thirds female.
So I have titled the document: "Hate Confrontation? Would You Rather Get Treated Like A Doormat Than Risk Looking Stupid Or Being Rejected?"
Expect to become disenchanted with any new situation and new associates. Most of us start new working relationships by showing only our best side. Sooner or later, we expose the negative side, too. No new experience stays as bright and shiny and exciting as it is when it’s brand-new. You are less likely to be deeply disappointed when you understand this ahead of time. Expect to uncover new information and use it to make decisions about how to manage in your new environment.
Are you struggling to contain costs in this recessionary economy? If you’re having a hard time withdrawing perks from hard-working employees, because you’re afraid of the effect on morale, this executives strategy may work for you.
James could see that the generosity his 200-member accounting firm had shown their partners and managers when times were good simply had to change.
The firm could no longer support the expensive valet parking the partners blithely added to their expense reports or the extra charges for breakfast that showed up on their hotel bills. Especially when James knew personally that the hotel in question included a fine breakfast buffet with the cost of the room.
James, a founding partner of the firm and a habitually conservative spender, always allowed time to park in the same airport shuttle lot, whether he was taking his family on vacation or going on a necessary business trip. He fumed to himself as he reviewed expense reports from the firm’s tax meeting. The nine-dollar charges for breakfast were especially irritating, because he had noticed that those managers were not in the dining room while he was there himself enjoying the complementary buffet.
In good times, while struggling to retain employees who are constantly being lured away by other opportunities, it seemed picky to disallow those expenses. Now, with the decreased workload, the firm was overstaffed and he was struggling to avoid layoffs. Yet he suspected that his people would grumble at the now necessary restrictions.
Knowing how he had once struggled to overcome a reputation for insensitivity, he decided on a creative solution. He sent out a memo to all managers and partners explaining the need to cut expenses and asked them to each submit at least one idea that would save the company money.
In came suggestions to eliminate valet parking, to eat their meals provided by the hotel, to limit extra baggage charges (for golf clubs) when meeting at resort locations, to limit charges for laundry at hotels, etc. He compiled the suggestions and recirculated them with thanks. There was no resistance when those suggestions were instituted as the new company policy.
When I asked James how he was viewed in the firm, he said he thinks he is seen as a practical pragmatist and appropriate person. He did add wryly that a few people in the firm probably wished there was not a practical, pragmatic, appropriate person around to rain on their parade.
(Please see the previous post for the first part of this story)
Jerry wrote back saying essentially that his motive for trying to help his boss was because of Jerrys own responsibility to the organization. He talked about nobody else daring to tell the boss about the problem. Jerry also talked about putting himself in jeopardy if he brought the matter up.
Here’s my next e-mail.
Dear Jerry,
Your problem is common and usually ignored; sharing it will be helpful to others.
That is an excellent reason for at least attempting to have the conversation.
Asking him if he is aware of the problem and if he is, offering him your suggested solutions, might work. Caution: do NOT proceed without his express permission.
Assume that his intentions were honorable. They probably were. I would also assume that he has a blind spot about what is happening. You are not helping anyone by keeping silent.
My suggestions have helped others achieve positive outcomes. As long as you ask respectful questions instead of scolding you can protect yourself.
You have a real sense of honor and an obligation to the good of the organization. Think through how you will approach him in a way that allows him to maintain his dignity.
If you think it would help, I am available for telephone consultation @ $75 for thirty minutes payable by credit card. Laurie
I wish I could share Jerrys additional comments.
I am happy to answer your questions, especially if you are willing to allow me to share the conversation with others.
Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.
I recently had an extended e-mail conversation with a subscriber. I intended to post it because his problem is so common. However, Jerry (not really his name) denied permission to post his side of the conversation. So I’m going to post only my letters and summarize his, in the most general terms.
Essentially, Jerry questioned, his boss’s judgment. From Jerrys perspective his boss made a Continue reading »
