What you do need to know is below. My friend Suzanna wrote that part, and the reminders I will send over the next few days. The series starts Monday, November 15, and ends Friday; and my interview will be broadcast on Wednesday. I have  created an incredible offer for you – read on…

It's an old saying …

———————————————————————————————————
"Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug!"
——————————————————————————————————–

Yes, sometimes you succeed.

At other times … you FAIL!

THAT'S LIFE.

———————  THE BIG QUESTION …———————

So, how do you turn your failures, frustrations, challenges, and setbacks into SUCCESS?

How do you OVERCOME the obstacles in your way?

How do you get BEYOND the past … and remove the barriers that have held you back?

That's what my friend Suzanna Abbott is asking me when she interviews me during her "FAILURE TO FEARLESS" telesummit series.

http://tinyurl.com/2gyzdgb

You get to attend and listen in for FREE.

In fact, you can attend ALL 22 calls in this telesummit series as my GUEST.

Register here:

http://tinyurl.com/2gyzdgb

I think you'll LOVE my interview with Suzanna.

But, I also think you're REALLY going to learn and grow from the other 21 guest experts as well.

Grab this opportunity while it's available.

Register NOW:

>>>

See you on the call …

Laurie
 

We as rational, logical adults tend to avoid confusion. It seem like the right thing to do.

But if your objective is to gain clarity, resolve a conflict, come up with an innovative solution or just to be able to think through something in a critical way,you need to embrace confusion.

http://thoughtleadershipleverage.com/2010/04/embracing-confusion/ It is worth reading the whole article.

When you take risks and operate with integrity; when you consider other people's needs as well as your own; when you think about long term situations instead of short-term gains; and when you really tell the truth; you can achieve amazing results.

Learning to do this well requires skill and practice. This is especially true when you need information in a confusing situation. It's especially true when you're in a situation where a misstep can cause real problems.

The following steps will help you practice the skills you need to achieve results and gain respect in the workplace.

1. Before you ask anything, gather as much information as you can about a situation by careful observation.

* Listen to the topics that are discussed
* Notice topics that are not discussed.
* Pay attention to nonverbal clues-posture, tone of voice
* Notice relative power positions of the people present in the situation-even furniture placement and seating arrangements.

2. Think about what additional information you need to better understand the situation. Look for the missing pieces.

3. Use your intuition. What is your hunch or guess about what is going on? What do you wish you knew?

4. Ask questions only when you are truly unsure of what the answers will be.

5. Listen carefully to the answers that are presented to you. Give it your full attention.

Ask clarifying questions only if you cannot understand the answer you are hearing. Wait until the answer is complete before you comment on it.

Treat everyone with respect – avoid being condescending in any way.

6. Never ask a question when you are already sure what the answer is. The only reason to do this is to catch someone else doing something wrong. If you do this, others will sense it and feel resentful or put down, even if you think you are being subtle.

7. Be willing to be vulnerable. Take responsibility for your own mistakes or lack of information. In this situation, saving face (your own) is not nearly as important as helping others save face!

8. If you feel attacked or challenged by the answer to one of your questions,
do not defend yourself. Respond by stating your understanding of what was said. Ask if your understanding is accurate.

9. Keep asking questions until you are sure you understand what you need to know about the situation, and as long as others are willing to respond to you.

10. Thank everyone who is present.

 
Phil,
 
One of the lessons is "Sometimes it Makes Sense Not To Tell the Truth" (not sure of the exact title.) Others are about people faced with dilemmas who do their best.
 
I try to provide tools to help people make hard decisions when faced with difficult challenges. I don't know anyone who can handle complete integrity. We are all human, ­ including me.
 
From your note, I think you would find The Integrity Course valuable. It is guaranteed, so if it doesn't meet your needs let us know and we will refund your money.
 
Warmly,
 
Laurie

Learn more about communicating with integrity in The Integrity Course, an online, multimedia home-study course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends.

He Lied To Me

Being committed to communicate with integrity provides some protection against being lied to. It often leads me to question statements that others politely accept. However nothing I know of protects me from a liar who looks and sounds as if she is telling the truth.

I wrote this some time ago, right after I was lied to again. Since I’ve made a commitment to making the 2^nd decade of the 21^st Century the Decade of Communicating with Integrity, I’ve decided to republish it.

It's frustrating, isn't it? You make an agreement in good faith, it's clearly understood by both sides (in this case all three people involved), and then one person simply refuses to keep the agreement.

In this case I made an agreement to coach an employee of a medium sized business. When a third party is paying the bill, it's my policy to sit down with all parties involved, and spell out all our commitments.

The meeting with the business owner and the employee seemed straightforward enough. Goals were identified and a timeline was set to have four coaching sessions and then to check back with the business owner. He seemed quite enthusiastic about the probability of salvaging his relationship with a valued employee.

In my first session with the employee she expressed her doubts about the sincerity of the business owner. She complained about his erratic behavior and the effect it was having on her and her fellow employees. Nevertheless, we continued with our agenda and appeared to make some real progress.

Two days after our first session the employee called back to cancel the other sessions. Her employer had just told her that he decided she wasn't worth it after all. He said that if she wanted coaching she would have to pay for it for herself. I affirmed the employee’s perception about her boss's erratic behavior and wished her well.

Then I wandered off shaking my head. In over 30 years of working with people I am still completely unable to recognize some kinds of lies. I certainly confront people when I recognize inconsistencies — and I am very perceptive. I basically trust people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And sometimes I get fooled.

When I do, I do my best to acknowledge the problem, admit my own fallibility and move on as long as I do not have an ongoing relationship with the person who lied to me.

If I must continue to do business with the person who’s lied, I consider it very important to discuss the situation. Sometimes that discussion results in clarification of the expectations we have with each other. At other times it involves dissolving the business relationship at the earliest possible opportunity.

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

Yvonne, an executive, felt paralyzed by her boss' new rules that required her to get approval for even the smallest expenditures. Yvonne was also representing her company in merger negotiations. The potential partner considered her boss expendable, and asked her to stick it out until their process is complete. The negotiations were going slowly. She wondered whether to get out or stay on, hoping things would change. 

Marianne's new boss did not trust her. All her routine requests for staffing changes were returned with demands for additional irrelevant information. For several months Marianne complied gracefully with all requests. She finally realized that other work was suffering as she tried to comply with these demands, and she was still not getting the staffing she needed. Marianne considered resigning, but was only months away from being vested in her pension fund. 

With the agreement of the executive committee, Louise, vice president of human resources, assured her branch managers that remarks they made during a managers' staff development retreat would be kept confidential.

After the event, she learned that two executives who disliked the resulting report were pressuring managers for details of the meeting. When she protested during a subsequent executive committee meeting, the two executives ridiculed her concerns. 

Decisions about whether to stay in difficult business or personal relationships can feel excruciatingly difficult to resolve. 

Balancing potential losses against maintaining dignity and financial stability are some of the most common issues faced by my clients. There are no simple answers, but following the process they used to make their decisions may help you through a similar situation. 

Each first clarified the outcome she most desired. Yvonne wanted stimulating work and recognition of her talents. Marianne wanted to stay with her company at least until her pension was vested. Louise wanted to be treated with dignity. 

Each decided to do everything possible to change her own situation. As coach, I helped them choose appropriate strategies to communicate their  dissatisfactions. 

• Yvonne asked her boss (the company president) to change the procedures

• Marianne decided that even if her new boss tried to fire her, her pension would be vested by the time that could take place, so she politely refused further demands to stop her other work to produce additional reports. 

• Louise spoke privately to each member of the executive committee about treating her and all members of the company with dignity. 

They all evaluated the results of their actions. 

• The president of Yvonne's firm changed the subject when she talked to him. 

• Marianne's boss became so frustrated and she made herself look bad to her own boss. She was given orders to treat Marianne differently. 

• Louise was told by the company president that she should adjust her values to match the values of the other executives. 

They made decisions by balancing all of these elements. 

• Yvonne developed an outside consulting practice while waiting to see if the takeover would happen. She was prepared to resign and eventually did. 

• Marianne developed a reasonably respectful working relationship with her boss. 

• Louise resigned and eventually found a new opportunity. 

If you enjoyed this blog post The Integrity Course will provide much more information I believe will be useful to you. Included in this course are stories of how over 25 people confronted issues about integrity in the workplace. Learn more here.

I remember always trying very hard to do the best I could, and to please my parents, my teachers and everyone else in authority. I was taught to respect others and above all to be polite.

One of the things I was told over and over again was, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." This worked out fine as long as things were going well and the people around me followed the same rules that I did.

The problem is I didn't know what to do when things went wrong. I felt especially stymied if saying something about a problem might be impolite or cause someone else embarrassment.

So most of the time I kept doing the best that I could and kept my mouth shut even about things that I thought were serious problems.

Then when I finally would speak up I sort of stammered and beat around the bush and managed to get myself ignored. And I couldn't understand what was going on.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

You probably know I'm not that way anymore. But for years I've seen my clients and readers struggle with the same dilemmas.

My struggle has been to find ways to help my friends learn what I've learned along the way. What I've learned has made a huge difference in my life and I think it will in yours too — and I think I've found a way to share it with you.

Watch for more information in a few days.

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you're a deer in the headlights.

1. Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.
   

2. Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn't arrived yet. Is that right?" Or
   

3. Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I'm not quite sure I understand why. I think it's something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
   

4. Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.
   

5. Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I'm sorry it's so frustrating for you either done everything right and it's still not working" or
   Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I'd be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

1. Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"
   

2. Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you've almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who's lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that's needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you'll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

 Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways  to identify and resolve conflict.