Business Communication » Anger

“Apologizing First” Works For Confronting Defensive Family Members As Well As Business Associates

Laurie Weiss — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 17:47:07 +0000

“I use this because I find it very hard to say what I need to say when I know someone is wrong.”

G. subscribed to my minicourse, Integrity: Use It Or Lose It (www.TheIntegrityCourse.com); the beginning of this conversation was about how much she enjoyed my writing — so of course I responded. Then she sent this:

I tried one of your tips of apologizing first and saying I may be wrong before I start and it worked.

I'm dealing with defensive family members who are quite angry at the moment as my mum has just passed away and trying to get through to some of them is a nightmare as one in particular is going down the wrong path. She wants to shun my Dad because she had a terrible childhood while he is grieving. My dad is very kind now and I'm trying to get her to love the man he is now and not live in the past of 40 years ago. I can only say very little to her or she explodes or puts the phone down on me if I tell her she is being unkind, or she tells me she doesn't want my help. So any more tips would be greatly appreciated.

This simple technique really helped me and is now stuck in my head so going to use it always as I find it very hard to confront anyone or speak up for myself. I find it very hard to say what I need to say when I know someone is wrong.

Many thanks

Laurie: In terms of trying to get anyone else to do what you think is best for them, you have taken on a difficult, if not impossible task. I suggest that you continue to love and support your dad and just let your relative follow her own path. You might even tell her that you know you can't get her to change her mind and apologize for trying. Good luck.

I don't know if you were on the call, but I hope you have had time to listen to the recording.

(I thought perhaps she had just listened to the teleclass, "Planning Challenging Conversations: Secrets to Saying What You Think and Getting Heard –

Without Getting Into Trouble." You can get the recording at http://tinyurl.com/ydx4tvr ).

G wrote back:

Hi Laurie

I've still to listen to your recording, on my to do list, but will definitely do as will help me i'm sure.

That is all I'm doing is supporting my Dad and letting her follow her own path. But it still upsets me when she tells me she has been mean to my Dad, although she doesn't see it this way, and I never say anything, I just listen. Do you think I should tell her when i think something she is saying or doing is mean, or just leave it.

I think I feel upset with myself as I don't wont to rock the boat with her, so feel I can't tell her when she is being mean and she thinks she has a perfect right to do the mean thing as she doesn't see it as mean. It's like she can't help herself and she can't see the destruction and hurt she is causing.

Many thanks

I answered her question “Do you think I should tell her when i think something she is saying or doing is mean, or just leave it.”

Laurie:Try repeating what she said to her and either ask her what she meant by it or just say (in shocked surprise) "Did I actually hear you say___________?" or, just try asking if she would like to be treated that way if she were grieving or say that you would be upset it if someone treated you
that way.

G responded:

Many thanks

Will try

Hate Confrontation? Seven Steps To De-escalate A Tricky Situation — With A Customer, A Colleague Or Even Your Boss

admin — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 20:31:59 +0000

You may hate confrontation. Someone raising his or her voice may make you want to run and hide. And it certainly seems safer to freeze into nothing and wait till the situation burns itself out. But sometimes that’s just not an option. So here’s the plan you can prepare in advance so you’ll know step by step what to do to be able to salvage most situations — and you may even come out looking like a hero.

Here are the steps you need to take next time someone appears to have lost emotional control and verbally attacks you. You can take these steps even if you feel like you’re a deer in the headlights.

Take a deep breath yourself and calmly look directly at your accuser.

Say his or her name aloud and if you understand what she is upset about restate it. E.g. "Jim, you seem (angry, worried) because the package hasn’t arrived yet. Is that right?" Or

Say his or her name and asked for a clarification. E.g. "Jim you seem (angry, worried) but I’m not quite sure I understand why. I think it’s something about the package. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

Once you do understand, restate the problem just as in step number two and ask if you have it right.

Sympathize with a hard time the person is having. "I’m sorry it’s so frustrating for you either done everything right and it’s still not working" or
Empathize: "Wow that happened to me, I’d be (angry, worried) too."

You may be finished at this point in the other person has calmed down and is ready for problem solving, or you may need to take another step. This step is necessary if you are in a position to help solve the problem.

Offer to help or at least to do something that is within your power to ease the situation. E.g. "What would you like me to do to help?"

Either take the requested action or offer a substitute.

By this time you’ve almost always a achieve your objective.

These steps work because they help someone who’s lost emotional control to slowly calm him or her self with your help. Often all that’s needed is to help someone who is upset feel seen heard and understood.

That person will be grateful to you for your help and you’ll learn that the monster behind the raised voice is really just a frustrated or confused real person.

Many of the lessons in The Integrity Course discuss practical ways to identify and resolve conflict.

Coaching: Emotional Intelligence and Brain Hijacking

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 23:58:09 +0000

Brain-hijacking almost cost Evelyn her job.

After several employees resigned because of her behavior, Evelyns manager had insisted that she either get coaching or find another job. Evelyn, an extremely competent technical expert, believed that the other employees had been over-sensitive, and that she was an exemplary worker.

I had trouble understanding exactly why her manager was unhappy with her behavior until we had a misunderstanding about when one of her coaching assignments would be completed. In a steely, cold and crisp VOICE, she told me about six or seven lapses and inconsistencies in my association with her. I instantly felt like a second-grader being scolded by the principal. Wow!

Fortunately, I have learned to recognize when my own brain is hijacked, and I have a reaction that is way out of proportion to an event I experience. When I was spoken to in that kind of voice when I was a child, I knew that I was in BIG TROUBLE. Whenever my primitive brain hears that VOICE, I have an instant reaction. I want to dig a hole and hide in it. It is a physiological reaction, and I am not in control of it, it just happens!

This brain-hijacking reaction was useful when we needed to instantly react to dangerous tigers in the jungle, but less useful now that we are civilized. It is a knee-jerk reaction that takes place fractions of a second before our thinking brain engages. I know that if I can make myself wait a moment, instead of reacting instantly the way I want to, I will be able to think about the situation rationally.

I took a deep breath (my pause time) and asked her why she had suddenly scolded me. She told me that she was just defending herself from my unfair accusations! Another brain-hijacking??? She was having a disproportionate reaction to our conversation.

We eventually discovered that whenever anyone implied that Evelyn had made a mistake, she got furiously angry and defended herself by verbally pointing out her accusers shortcomings just as she had done with me. Evelyn learned to recognize her own anger as a sign of a hijacking, and to think before she lashed out at her (usually innocent) accuser. She kept her job.

Coaching Tip: We are not in control of our instant emotional reactions. We can learn to wait (count to ten) before expressing those reactions.

Daniel Goleman discusses brain-hijacking in depth in Chapter One of his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence.

Additional Information: Integrity Use It or Lose It!

[tags] Coaching, Self-Management, Anger, Emotional Intelligence,Managing Fear, Difficult Communication, Business Communication [/tags]