Defensive Behavior? A Surprising Solution

"My boss is cracking the whip, and when I try to comment on it, he jumps down my throat – he won't talk about it."

Have you ever had someone defend himself (or herself) by attacking you when you did something that seemed quite reasonable? Defensive behavior is, sadly, very common.

Defensive behavior usually signals that someone feels threatened.

If the boss was telling you the truth about how he feels, he might say this. "I'm scared to take responsibility for the problem I see. I don't want to feel how vulnerable I am. Threats surround me, the economy is awful and isn't getting better and I'm worried about keeping my job and paying college tuition for my kid."

Of course he doesn't say this; he probably doesn't even know it himself. He's supposed to be strong, and he is feeling vulnerable, but he doesn't want anyone to know how scared he is.

So what can you do?

Strange as it seems, you may be able to disarm him by showing your vulnerability and talking about your own fear. He may switch from defensiveness to nurturing.

In the popular TV show Burn Notice, the star wounds himself because a little blood brings out sympathy and makes his potential attacker less suspicious. 

In the animal kingdom, showing the throat signals capitulation and saves the defeated animal from being killed. The victor knows he is victorious and that's sufficient. 

So when you accidentally invoke an attack, suspect that the person attacking you is defending vulnerable parts of himself and back off.  Show your own vulnerability – then he won't need to show his — and he won't feel so threatened. 

Here's a simple way to defuse defensive behavior.

Just assume responsibility by apologizing – even if you are not responsible. He may even argue with you to assume his part in causing the problem. 

Talk about the impact a problem has on you instead of how he caused the problem. You may be pleasantly surprised at how anxious he is to fix it or make amends or take responsibility for causing it.