Caroline could scarcely believe what I was telling her.

“You want me to do what???”

“Act helpless and grovel,” I said, to the executive who prided herself on keeping her composure under the most trying of circumstances.

Caroline was in a quandary when her soon-to-be ex-husband chose a very hard-hitting lawyer and withdrew from the mediation they had agreed upon. She wanted this divorce to be amicable and had chosen an attorney who specialized in supporting mediated settlements.

Her attorney freely admitted that she was cowed by the win/lose tactics of Samantha, the husband’s bullying attorney. Caroline’s attorney suggested that she work with Steve, the only attorney who had successfully opposed Samantha in court. But she also warned Caroline that Steve was extremely difficult to work with.

Caroline decided to check a bit before engaging Steve. Everyone she talked to agreed that she needed Steve’s help. They also agreed that he was “difficult.”

Meanwhile, Samantha managed to get a restraining order to keep Caroline from seeing her teenage children. Caroline was devastated and when she called Steve’s office, his office manager Martha was sympathetic and quickly arranged her first appointment with Steve.

The appointment went well, and when Steve suggested an equally hard-hitting strategy to counter to Samantha’s aggressiveness, Caroline agreed and engaged him. She was meticulous about collecting the necessary information and managing the paperwork that was required for the complex divorce proceedings.

Then things got nastier. Her husband threatened her physical safety and the police became involved. As the situation escalated, it got harder and harder for her to reach Steve.

Martha, Steve’s office manager also became less cooperative. The more Caroline tried to be helpful by providing the paperwork and pointing out deadlines and options, the more it seemed like Martha was acting rudely and seemed to be delaying Caroline’s work. Several of Caroline’s appointments with Steve were canceled at the last minute and he stopped returning her phone calls.

The court date was approaching and Caroline was beginning to panic.

As we reviewed the situation together, it became clear that her strategy of demonstrating her competency and helpfulness to Martha was having a negative effect. It seemed that the more competent Caroline looked the more threatened Martha felt.

When we described the situation in terms of the Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim roles in the Drama Triangle, things began to make more sense. Whenever she approached Martha from a helpful position, Martha acted like an overworked victim. When Martha acted like a victim, Caroline felt like she was being persecuted.

When Caroline had approached Martha from a weak position initially, Martha had been very helpful. We decided that Martha liked to play the role of a Rescuer. If Caroline could get her back into that role, there was a chance that she would stop blocking the divorce process.

But when I suggested that Caroline would need to abandon her competent executive stance in order to grovel and beg Martha to help her, Caroline was shocked.

She did it, though. Caroline told me about how she stopped by Steve’s office and in a shaky voice told Martha how upset and worried she felt. She even managed a few tears.

Martha almost immediately switched to being helpful, found Caroline’s “lost” information and even helped her set up a new appointment with Steve. Caroline thanked Martha profusely as she left the office.

Ever the strategist, Caroline immediately stopped at a florist shop and sent Martha flowers. Martha called to thank her and became even more helpful.

I congratulated Caroline on her behavioral flexibility, and on her ability to communicate in a way that got her what she needed.

I wouldn’t advocate this kind of manipulation in a situation in which there is an ongoing relationship. I’d generally suggest finding a way to communicate outside of the Drama Triangle, which almost always causes problems. However in this emergency situation I think Caroline’s actions were warranted.

For a more detailed discussion of the Drama Triangle and how to use it to understand difficult communication situations, see Dare To Say It: How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships.

[tags]Conflict, Difficult Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Managing Conflict, Self-Management, Transactional Analysis[/tags]

written by Laurie Weiss