To be effective, complete conversations must include:

• Your own Needs, Feelings and/or Values –and
• Others’ Needs, Feelings and/or Values –and
• Relevant Aspects of the Situation

All three things must be present in any meaningful interpersonal exchange in both work and personal situations.

In a work setting, the unspoken agreement is to focus primarily on the external situation. The psychological and organizational danger of leaving out the needs, feelings and/or values of participants is less visible.

When a conversation is incomplete, undisclosed personal issues can stop progress in its tracks.

Example: The owner of a professional practice was livid because a key, difficult to replace, employee had just given 30 days’ notice of his intent to leave the practice. This notice was within the contractual agreement.

The owner felt betrayed because several months earlier the employee had assured him that he would stay on for an additional year. Because of his assurances, the company had not taken timely steps to begin searching for his replacement.

The owner felt that the employee had literally lied to him, and had done considerable damage. During a management meeting a few days later, the owner said, “I’m still furious at him.”

His executive officer told him, “We’re better off without him. During the exit interview I learned that the reason he’s leaving is completely legitimate. He needs a nine-to-five job, and we can’t provide that for him. He didn’t trust you not to fire him immediately if he told you he was looking for a new position, and he couldn’t afford to be out of work.” [The executive officer’s message to the owner is actually, “You shouldn’t feel your feelings.”]

The owner said, “I’m still furious!”

An associate then said, “You shouldn’t feel that way” and gave reasons why the owner’s feelings were inappropriate.

What’s wrong here?

Two important people on the management team want to leave feelings out of the conversation. They seem to believe that feelings are irrelevant. They want the owner to stop feeling angry and just get on with solving the problem.

This professional practice owner is trying to develop an organization culture in which people support, trust and learn from each other. He also has a very sore spot about people not caring about how he feels. He feels angry and betrayed because his management team doesn’t support him.

As long as he feels this way, he remains ineffective. All he needs is to have someone acknowledge that his feelings are relevant.

A simple solution:

Often, simply acknowledging someone’s feelings when they are first expressed makes it possible to refocus on the more informational aspects of the conversation.

This article is excerpted from Dare To Say It: How to Have Important Conversations that Build Working Relationships.
[tags] Business Communication, Difficult Communication, Integrity, Leadership, Making Decisions, Emotional Intelligence,Management, Self-Management, Telling the Truth[/tags]

written by Laurie Weiss